As soon as we saw the double red lines, we were filled with joy. Finally God had answered our prayers and I was pregnant. We began making plans. We gave her a name. We prepared her room. We spoke about who she would look like. We talked about her life and made positive declarations concerning her future. She was real to us. Alas some weeks into the end of the 1st trimester, the doctor announced that there was a problem. Our baby did not have a heartbeat. That was how she did not end up being full term.

I was angry and upset with God. I wondered why after waiting on Him for a child, He raised our hopes, let me take in, only to allow it end in a miscarriage. I began to doubt Him. I wondered if He truly loved me, forgave me of my sins, and if His promises were true. When I considered that while I was still in sin I never felt such pain and heartache, I felt it was not worth it following Christ. As I compared my life before and after repenting of my sins, I seriously considered shutting God out of my life.

While wallowing on the loss, I realized walking away from God was like a miscarriage of my own life, and if I do walk away, I will never get to the “full term” of the purpose for which He created me.

When one sinner repents, there is joy in the presence of God’s angels. A new life has been “conceived”. Our Father looks forward to seeing this life grow, develop, and get to full term, i.e. fulfilling the purpose for which it was created (primarily for His glory and pleasure). Along the journey, some things may happen. Trials may seem so powerful that we buckle under its pressure and walk away. We may find ourselves struggling with sin that we lose hope that we can ever overcome. We may see “men of God”, whom we look up to, fall that we wonder if we can when they could not. We may unknowingly turn our hearts from God and put our trust in mere men who will disappoint us. We may look at those who have not repented appearing to have “the life” while we are in waiting, and their life becomes appealing. Or when we look back at our past lives, it seems more attractive because there may have been less pains and trials, hence we may decide to go back. All these could cut short our journey walking with God.

So I wondered, does it touch God to see us walk away and not fulfill our purpose in Him? For God who does not desire that anyone should perish [Ezekiel 33:11], who rejoices over us with gladness and singing [Zephaniah 3:17], who created us for His glory and pleasure [Isaiah 43:7, Rev 4:11], and who has plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future [Jeremiah 29:11], indeed He must be touched when we walk away.

The words of Jesus are clear, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” [John 16:33]. Should we have trouble, God promises, “When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you” [Isaiah 43: 2].

I searched for the real reason why I repented of sin. It was because no matter what I had or did, my life felt empty. Until I found God. It was only then that all He blessed me with began to have meaning and purpose. So did my life. The former life I wanted to run back to had nothing to offer. With God there is peace and joy amidst what may be going on with or around me. The only way I could live a fulfilled life is by walking with the One who created me with a unique purpose. Only He knows where I should be going and He can direct/redirect me no matter where I am positioned. Then I resolved that my life with God will not be a miscarriage.

I am glad I let Him touch me and heal me. I am glad I did not walk away. Maybe I would never have known that His word is true and He is faithful to His promises. Maybe I may never have experienced Him for myself. Maybe I may never have known the indescribable feeling of having the miraculous bundle of joy that came 1 year and 3 months after the miscarriage.

Beloved, no matter where you are, what you feel, or what you are going through, nothing can be better than embracing the love of God that is available to you. He knows the plans He has for you, and only He can take you to the place He wants you to be. Accept His will and walk with Him, and enjoy a full term walk with Him.

Remain blessed.

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