The abortions had occurred when I was not a Christian so I never gave it much thought. But when I had given my life to Christ, I realized how grave my actions were. Born or unborn, it was a life like mine I had taken.
I had confessed this sin to God and asked for forgiveness. I buried the matter and moved on with my life. Then I got married. After the first year and I did not take in, my mind went back to the abortions. Probably the last one destroyed my womb, I thought. Or maybe God was finally punishing me for my sins. I began to meditate on such thoughts, which filled me with depression and guilt. Every month when Aunty Flo visited, I heard the tormenting voice say, “You’ve killed all the children you could ever have. They will not allow you have other children!”
I visited a doctor to check if all was well with my reproductive system. After an unnecessary surgery, I was found to be normal. I could not accept it. My thoughts were telling me otherwise especially since I could not explain why I had not taken in.
Shortly after the operation, I took in but had a miscarriage 3 months later. The voice reminded me that my womb was not capable of carrying children, hence the miscarriage. My depression increased.
To the outside world, I was a happy woman. But deep inside, I was in torment and turmoil. I could not trust God because I felt guilty. My husband did not seem bothered about my “sleepless nights”. He called me fruitful and told me God had long forgiven me of my sin. I could not believe him.
One day, we were on our way to work when I listened to a radio program “Focus on the family”. That day was featuring a woman who was
talking about the emotional trauma women go through after abortions. I could relate with that. And then she mentioned a story of a baby talking to God. Pardon me for paraphrasing here the conversation.
“Father, why didn’t my mummy keep me with her?” the baby asked.
“Because she couldn’t take care of you the way she wanted, and she wanted me to take care of you,” God replied.
“Why is my mummy always crying now about me?” the baby asked.
“Because she doesn’t know I have long forgiven her for sending you to Me.”
At that point, I didn’t know when I burst out in tears. It was a cry from the depths of my heart. It was so loud and sudden that my husband had to pack the car to find out what was wrong. I told him I was okay, that I needed to let something out. I had a very good cry that morning, and after that I felt relieved. I felt reassured and believed that God had truly forgiven me of my sin. I knew it was up to me to forgive myself. It was not long after this incident that I took in and gave birth to my beautiful princess who turned one a few days ago.
I do not know if you are carrying a burden of guilt, unforgiveness, self-condemnation or an unresolved issue. I want you to know God has forgiven you of your sin and is waiting for you to forgive yourself and resolve all unresolved issues. He says, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and loaded down with burdens, and I will give you rest!” [Matthew 11:28, ISV]. Your sins He remembers no more. If you need to go into your prayer closest, have a sincere communication with Him, cry if you need to, and let go of any burden you are carrying, please do not hesitate to do so. His Arms are open wide to receive you.